Simplicity
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By Victoria

July 22, 2015

How To Let Go


Going through a breakup is never easy. No matter how many relationships you've been in before or haven't. I was once told that when you are in a relationship with someone, you form a third personality. That third personality is the one you have created & grown with your significant other. But I think it's more than that, especially when you've been in the relationship for quite some time. That "third personality" actually becomes a part of your own personality. You develop traits that are similar to your significant others. A piece of them really does become a piece of you. So when you lose your significant other, it seems hard to let go because of how much they have impacted you.

But you can move on. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be quick. Always remember there is no exact method or time frame to get over someone. I don't think there is even a way that will help make you get over someone right away either. Depending on how long & invested you were in your relationship, it's going to take some time before you finally feel okay without your former significant other. & that's normal.

The best way to move on from a relationship is by doing it in a peaceful & healthy manner. Don't try to find some reason to hate or blame your ex. Many do this so they have a reason to feel bitter & better off.

So what is the peaceful or healthy way? Here is what I have learned while studying Lori Deschene's steps on letting go of a past relationship:

1. Don't Dwell On What You Could've Changed

I know sometimes you can't help but think if you have had done this or that differently, you would still be in a relationship. But you have to face reality. You can't change the past or what you did. What's done is done. Dwelling on what you could've or shouldn't have done makes you live in your memories. You can't move on towards the future if you are still stuck thinking about the past.

Whenever you do find yourself trying to recreate the memories of what could've happened inside your head, pull yourself back into the moment. Start thinking about the good things in your life like what makes you happy, the people who are here for you, yummy foods you want to try, etc. This will help train your mind that even when you are sad, you will be able to be okay soon.

2. Create Separation

When breaking up in a relationship, the best way is to break off all forms of communication. Continuing to remain in contact or be friends can cause hope that things may go back to normal again. But the thing is things may not. So it's best to save yourself the disappointment & hurt by completly letting go in the first place. You can't just sit & wait to get back together. When you break off completely, you allow yourself to change & grow on your own.

Don't try to make a specific person re-enter your life or to find someone new as your goal. Make happiness your goal. Separate the ideas of what you think will make you happy to what will really make you happy. Which is you.

3. Forgive Yourself & Love Yourself

You know you can't go back & change what you did or didn't do, so don't continue to beat yourself up over it. This will only cause you to build regret inside yourself. You are human & everyone makes mistakes. Learn from your mistakes & use this knowledge in the future to help make the right choices.

You can't love someone if you don't fully love yourself yet. If you want to feel loved again, you have to let yourself know that you deserve it. & not just by other people, you deserve to be loved by yourself. So forgive yourself for anything you may have done & realize you are still a great person.

4. It's Okay To Remember, The Good & Bad Memories

Sadly, forgetting is never the answer. No matter how much you just want to erase this person & forget that they ever existed, you can't. You have to realize that some memories are too beautiful & precious to ever forget. They may even be just one time things that will only be with your former significant other. That's what makes a relationship so special.

You shouldn't obsess over memories, but instead come to terms with them & learn to live with them. You will feel better as time goes on, because they won't always be as fresh & painful. They may even fade & you won't remember them.

Sometimes we only think of the good memories about our ex that we end up putting them on a pedestal. But no relationship is perfect & no one is perfect. Realize your former significant other did things that did hurt you. You both had your strengths & weaknesses in the relationship. But letting go of the idea that they are ideal in every way allows you to let go of them easier.

5. Don't Consider Time Not Being Able To Move On As A Waste

This is for those who have been clinging on to the past for a while, but have realized that they need to move on. You might think oh I could've moved on quicker if I knew this or I was wasting my time thinking about them, etc.

Moving on has no time frame remember. Everyone is different. & the time spent being sad about someone is normal. You can't get rid of it. In order to move on, you have to express that feeling of sadness at some point.

If you feel you have missed out on things, because you were clinging on to the past, shift that focus to something more positive. Think about the things you have gained: knowledge that you can move on & realization that you are in a better place than before. Focusing on the positive allows you to move on easier because you are empowering yourself & training your mind to look at the future & yourself in a better light.

6. Savor Being Alone

One of things about being truly content with yourself is learning to still be happy at times where you are alone. Be your favorite company. You don't need someone to make you happy. Start by doing something where you can complete it by yourself. Once you find something you enjoy by yourself, make it your own. "This is me & this is what I love to do." It's not a "I can only do this with this person" type of situation. When you can appreciate time alone with yourself, you can become a stronger & more independent person. & who doesn't love that trait in someone?

Learning to be okay alone is also good for when you do get in a relationship again. When you enter a relationship, maintain your independency. Other people can contribute to your happiness, but the main source should be you. Your partner is not always going to be able to be there for you. A healthy relationship consists of two independent people coexisting together. Not two people dependent on each other.

Here's a picture I found on Mark Mason's website that'll help you understand that point


7. Find & Remember Who You Are

Don't ever try to jump from one relationship to the next. You need to give yourself time to not only fully heal, but to discover yourself again. Those who jump from one relationship to the next for the most part cannot love themselves so have they have to find someone to love them.

Start reconnecting with friends. Just because you don't have your former significant other anymore doesn't mean you can't do stuff that y'all used to do. Instead find new people to do them with. This also helps with anchoring. Anchoring is when you anchor someone to specific places, because you have formed memories there. Form new memories with other people at the places you & your ex use to go to. This way you won't ever have to look back & think of old memories there. You can now remember new memories you had with your friends there instead.

Reconnect with yourself. Maybe you put some hobbies off because you never had time. Start back up on them. Push yourself to do things you wouldn't ever think you could. This will help build up confidence in yourself & allow you to grow the mentality that you can do anything if you set your mind to it. & the thing people always forget when they don't push themselves to try new things is: How bad can it be? If you fail, try try again.

8. Let Yourself Feel

You're going through a swarm of different feelings during your breakup. You'll feel anger, depression, & guilt. This may be a lot of emotions that it overwhelms you & you feel hopeless. You feel you can't reach happiness at all. You have to go through all these feelings as they come, but you can get through them faster by training your mind to focus on the positives right after.

Never keep your feelings bubbled in. It's always best to let everything out. So if you feel like crying, cry. But always remember a moment of sadness is nothing compared to a day of happiness. I found it helpful to have someone I could always go to vent to. Talk to someone who is close to you & ask them that whenever you're stuck, if they could be your person. The person who will comfort you even if they already know what's wrong & has told you the same advice over & over. Because sometimes you just need someone to listen to you, to be there for you. Give you and your friend a time limit on how long you can vent. You don't want to be crying for hours over someone, because the more you think about them, the easier it is to become obsessed. "This also allows you to be free to express your feelings, but not drown in them."

9. Take Life With A Grain Of Salt

Life is full of surprises. Some not always good surprises. You have to realize that any possibility is possible & to be ready for good or bad. So when you wake up in the morning tell yourself: I'm going to make this a good day. Always appreciate the people who you still have in your life as if it was there last. Smile & complement the cashier who you see is tired at work. Tell a stranger that they are beautiful. Tip your waiter a little extra. Pick up the trash you saw someone leave behind. A value I hold high is having a big heart & being compassionate. Instead of always thinking how come there aren't any good people out there, be the good person! Make someones day. You will feel better just by making someone else feel better. & I find that to be very rewarding for the soul. "Find little things to gain everyday instead of dwelling on what you lost."

Title image via SpiritScienceAndMetaphysics

3 comments:

  1. This is so relatable and important because I've been through this with my ex. It really does take time, patience and finding yourself in the end. Even though you've lost something, you've eventually gained so much more. Thank you for the advice! <3

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  2. Wowow I'm sorry I didn't realize it needed to be approved so I ended up commenting like 13173984719823 times LOL.

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  3. I just got out of a relationship, so I really needed to read this. It's going to help me so much to move on faster. Thank you :)

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