By Victoria

October 18, 2015

Your True Self Will Always Shine

I've been putting off posting this one for a long time. This is a post that is very personal to me. With school and all my organizations, I've been very busy. But I've been pushing editing this for too long. I'm finally comfortable with myself though. It's time. 

During the end of summer, I had lunch with a couple of old friends from high school. Half of them had just graduated high school & the other half of us were telling them how exciting college really is. It's real interesting to just catch up & reflect on what's been going on with everyone's lives including our owns. As we were done updating each other, someone asked: "So how have I changed? Am I different?" We decided to go around & decipher everyone.

When everyone finally got to me, I was told that I looked so much happier. That I looked like the happiest I've ever been. & they were right. When they told me this, I thought well of course I'm happy, why wouldn't I be?

This summer I lost someone who had greatly impacted my life, but I didn't let that stop me from being me. It actually gave me more strength if anything to work on myself. I am proud to say I've reached a point in my life where I am more confident than ever in my abilities and because of that, I am for the first time, truly happy with myself.

High school wasn't perfect for me. It was a roller coaster ride just like it is for many teens. But I'm not one of those people who are like high school was crap, I hated high school, etc. When I look back at my years in high school, I look back at them positively & I really did enjoy it.

My first two years of high school I got caught up on experimenting with drugs & trying to impress everyone. I was also in a very unhealthy on & off relationship with a terrible person. All these combined & you have your typical teen who self hated & self destructed.

I remember my first time swallowing a pill was because everyone else was. I was a freshman & wanted to seem cool to the older kids. My first trip was so bad, I couldn't stop crying after my come down. But I continued on thinking nothing would go wrong. The side effects took a toll on me & just added to my growing depression. For school, I remember always making sure my hair & makeup was done. I would curl my hair almost everyday because I thought I looked prettier that way. I couldn't go out with being done up. But I never did any of these things for myself. I did it for others.

I also put myself in a relationship where I knew it was bad. I was constantly being cheated & lied to. My friends knew as well, but I never listened to their advice. I forgave my ex every time, because I couldn't bear the idea of losing him. I'd rather have him in my life hurting me than not have him in my life at all. I couldn't let go of him. Although I didn't ever see a future between us, I thought I was in love. He took advantage of this & knew I would always be there for him, do anything for him. I struggled constantly trying to make him happy, forgetting my own happiness.

My self esteem became so low to a point where I turned to drugs. My thoughts became worse & I soon tried to kill myself. My parents sent me to therapy & although I personally don't think my therapists were effective, having my parents open up to me & show how much they loved me helped push myself in wanting to become better. When my last therapist told my mom that I should see a psychiatrist to be prescribed medication, my mom immediately took me out. She knew that once that happened, if an employer asked me about an illness, etc., I'd have to explain. She wanted to protect my future. There are people out there though who do need medication for help. I'm just lucky that I had a strong support system to help me without the use of drugs.

The last two years of high school I started to improve things for my future. I stopped abusing. I was beginning to fall in love with a college and I began to hang out with a group of kids who were good influences on me. But I didn't just automatically get better. In fact my senior year of high school, I still continued my relationship with the ex who mistreated me. I don't know exactly when I let him go, but I finally did before senior year was over. After getting rid of him & being accepted into college, I became excited for my future. I started dating someone who genuinely cared about me, opened my mind, & taught me how to see things differently.

But I still wasn't happy with who I was.

My former significant once asked if he could buy a paint set for me. He had never seen a painting of mine before, but I would always tell him how much I used to love to paint. When he offered, I got upset & turned him down harshly. I never explained to him why I acted so cold, but it was because I was scared that once I started to paint again I wouldn't be as good as I used to be. I was afraid of disappointing myself.

Looking back at these moments, which were all less than a year ago, it seems so bizarre. Now I could care less about what someone thought of me without makeup on. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I've started to paint again & even have my paintings hung at a local cafe in my town. This summer has definitely been a summer I will never forget. It's been a long journey in getting to where I've wanted to be in life & I know I can always improve. But just because you see someone who is so happy with their life right now, doesn't mean they've just always been that way. It's taken a lot to get there. But it’s so worth it once you do.

1 comment:

  1. Victoria, I love this post in the aspect that you were very open as an author about your personal challenges. It is often hard to tell the world about all your dealings, but this well written blog post is very inspirational to me. I can relate to your emotional stresses as well as the fact that I am trying to find myself. I've realized that life is unpredictable, but is rewarding. I admire your perspectives and artwork in your writing. Your work is impactful:)


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